Who To Trust

 “I don’t know who to trust.”  I hear this    every      single      day.

I sat in my leather recliner, sipping my favorite coffee from my favorite cup.  It is soon to be too hot for such a luxury, but for the moment it’s still 63 when I rise.  I set my cup aside and closed my eyes against the struggle. 

I have helped people recover from the abuses of pseudo ‘God focused ministry’ for nearly 35 years.

I have held the hands of sexual abuse victims, told by their pastors that God himself was behind their heinous acts. 

I have taught anxiety lessening breathing exercises to men who were drained dry by demands on time and expected growing numbers to fill pews and offering bags. 

I have taught effective journaling to those who have been robbed monetarily by a church that claimed money was needed for ministry, only to find that the sacrificial cash sent to the church was paying for the pastor’s new fishing boat.

I have given a listing ear as story after story of pastoral, elder, music leader, or even hospitality worker rage and demand and false authority stories were told; and then followed by the tears of disappointment, disenfranchisement, and disillusion. 

There are so many stories of hurt and abandonment and betrayal and abuse of the worst kind.  I could write forever and not get them all on paper.

I am so glad God sees all and forgets none of it.  I am also glad God is mercifully just.  He will be sure what is right will come to pass.  Doubt me?  Count how many pastors have been caught and exposed openly in their hidden sins in the last 4 years.  God will not be mocked.  He sees.  He will deal.

But I digress.

It has all been heart wrenching.  Some days the sheer pain of it goes home with me.  I have often had to spend time with my own tears, handing each to a God who had nothing to do with such actions, but everything to do with what we do to bring people through the pain.

Healing does not come easy when people, who claim to be sanctioned by God, abuse those over whom they have spiritual impact.  Worse, when those around the abuser adhere to the heresy of holy silence.  The Bible never says not to tell what has happened to a victim of abuse.  In fact, it says the opposite.  However, the American church shames and blames the victim who speaks.  This ought not be.  Telling the story is the first step to healing for the abused and accountability for the abuser (to many churches refuse to help the first to save the second). Church leadership and even congregations have abdicated their responsibilities to become complicit in the name of ‘saving’ a ministry that is wrought with wickedness.

When I met the Jesus so many of these abusers claim to follow, there were many people who truly knew him.  Mentors to me, they showed love and mercy and grace.  They taught the art of serving without selfishness.  They gave with no demand.  They cared for the less fortunate, the needy, the sick and the widow.  It was a way of life.  There were no grandiose sermons over how fabulous the church was or how pleased God was with their fancy music lights.  Rather, the sermons were centered on humility that led to a consistently learning heart.  To grow, to change one’s way of thinking and acting, was a blessed act of becoming like Jesus.  The pastor, back then, was expected to set the standard.  It was that pastor who served, cared, loved, offered grace, taught, and gave.  The rest of us wanted to follow him or her as he or she followed Christ.

That was then.

Now, in America at least, the church has become a corporation. 

No longer is community the center of worship and life.  Rather, those who are ‘less’ than the leadership are relegated to a false spiritual obedience, expected to do as the Pastor/CEO orders.  They call this the leadership of God, but it is really a pastor centric church that assumes that Jesus speaks to the leader rather than through the leader and into the community.  Pastors are rarely questioned, as they claim revelation from God himself, and, who dares to argue with God? 

These leaders have become power hungry, greedy, utterly unchristlike.  They demand and expect.  Serve? No, they are far too important for that.  Don’t wake them for an emergency in the night.  They don’t answer phones.  Don’t expect them to be busy helping others.  They don’t see the need. They do, though, see the need for their own pleasure, which they call self-care.    

When someone dares to call out a problem, these ‘pseudo leaders’ will do anything to shut the truth teller up.  Lying, deceiving, and bullying are church ways these days.  And most disturbingly, there is zero conviction.  The leaders, in the current church, don’t think it is wrong to do these things.  The only thing that matters is protecting position.  The congregation, fearing for their own place in the church will be yanked out from under them, have become spiritual Stepford wives, obeying and smiling and ignoring the truth of all that is happening right before their eyes. 

This abuse is rampant.  The numbers are astronomical.  In the Southern Baptist Denomination, there were 700 cases of sexual abuse in 2024.  That does not account for unreported instances, nor physical abuse, child abuse or psychological abuse.   In addition, there are no numbers for spiritual abuse, as it is notoriously difficult to define and is always case specific. This is only one denomination.  There are 370 different denominations with 380,000 adherents in America along.   Pastors and church leaders have become the perpetrators of the current era.

So, who can be trusted?

That question rolls around my head on a daily basis like the steel sphere bouncing around a pin ball machine.  The current situation in the evangelical church is so overwhelmingly ungodly that I am afraid to recommend any denomination.

I do know good ministry leaders.  There is a small church in Alturas California that serves Jesus as a tenderhearted community.  There is a small non-church connected group here in my town that seeks to give and love one another; and works tirelessly for those who are in need.  There is an online group of people I meet with who are deeply committed to loving and serving ‘within the reach of their personal lives.’  But there are so many people who need healthy community. . . and comparatively few places to refer them.

I set my coffee on the little table next to my recliner and grabbed my journal. 

When I don’t know who to trust, I make a list of trustworthy things with which to compare people’s actions.

Every safe spiritual environment I find is a small group of people.  There are no real mega communities.  The large and huge churches are places to go and be entertained, not develop spiritual life.  I put small group on the list.

Every safe spiritual environment I can locate meets in a home or at a restaurant. I put personal space on the list.

The safe spiritual people I know are absolutely refusing to be paid for serving others. I put unpaid service on the list.

The safe spiritual people I know are humble.  They have no desire to get others to obey them, but rather, want others to know the joy of serving and obeying Christ.  I put humble revelation on the list.

The safe spiritual times are not relegated to a schedule of 20 minutes for music, 10 for announcements, 20 for sermons, 10 for money grubbing…etc.  Rather, they include open personal sharing, teaching, singing, eating, prayer and planning to get together again. I put personal on the list.

The safe spiritual environment I know includes meeting each other’s needs, emotional, crisis, celebratory, monetary and the like.  I put need meeting on the list.

The safe spiritual community I know refuses bullying by being unwilling to do the job of the Holy Spirit in convicting another person of sin, and it refuses to determine the status of another person’s heart in place of the Holy Spirit.  Instead, it brings love and truth and opportunity for growth.  I put honest love and growth on the list, then added trusting the Holy Spirit to change hearts.

The safe spiritual community I know thrives on four things.  Grace, Truth, gratefulness and Forgiveness.  I put all four on the list.

You want to feel safe in a spiritual community?  You want to know who you can trust?  Look for these things.

Also, look for us.  We will be there to welcome you.